An Update, Pt. II

To catch up on the story, read this first. 

At about 4 p.m., the radiologist's office called to tell me the mass was a benign fibroadenoma. I don't know if I can adequately describe how I felt in that moment, and how I'm still feeling. Relieved. Happy. Incredibly blessed. All of these things. Thanking the Lord for this blessing. Thanking him that the past three weeks are over, and now things can continue instead of being put on hold, which I feel like I've done since Thanksgiving when I found the lump. I am so, so undeservedly blessed and so thankful.

[Sidenote: typing that makes me feel guilty. Not everyone gets these happy results. That gives me pause and makes me wonder what I can do to help those who don't hear what they've prayed to hear.]

I know this runs the risk of sounding trite, but I've realized from this what things really matter. It doesn't matter what our apartment is like or if there is enough room here or if I have cuter maternity clothes. One day we can paint our cabinets however we want, sure. But none of that really matters. What has mattered to me the most since beginning this journey is the baby growing inside of me and the relationships I am cultivating with those I love and with the Lord.

About ten percent of pregnant women get fibroadenomas. From the beginning, I think I had a pretty good idea that this would be my diagnosis, but nothing is certain. That uncertainty was the most powerful part.

I think it took something like this to nudge me a bit and show me that our baby and our changing family will be a good change for us, but something we're prepared to do. More importantly, I feel that somehow this past month has prepared me in a way I needed mentally and emotionally. The weeks of not knowing what the mass in my body was shook me. I tried not to think about it much, because we didn't know, but when I was sitting in waiting rooms or in my office waiting for phone calls, my mind immediately went to Aaron and our baby. I tried to imagine their lives. What if I don't get to meet my baby or see him grow? What if I leave Aaron here to do this by himself? Those are incredibly scary questions, and as much as I loved our baby before, I feel like this has shown me how much he needs me and how much I need him. I'm so thankful for that.

Of course I still want and fret about things that are important to me [but really aren't that important]. I don't know if this will or will not affect breastfeeding or if it will require surgery after the baby is born. I worry what people will think of mine and Aaron's parenting choices and decisions. I hate that he will spend the beginning of his little life far away from his family. But. BUT. I feel like this is so minor to what might have been. And I am so, so very thankful for the opportunity to continue preparing to be a mom.

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for praying for me, the baby and Aaron over the past weeks and for your words, notes, texts and calls of encouragement. They have held me together more than you know. We have seen Him in your actions, and we have been richly blessed. We love you!