This September will be a memorable month for us. Aaron will start his first full-time job next week; we will get to find out if our baby is a girl or a boy; and hopefully there will be more good news and opportunities throughout the month. I am ready for the change.
In order to appreciate the forward momentum, I want to remember how tough August was.
Aaron graduated from graduate school and became unemployed for the first time since he was in fifth grade. We faced a lot of silence and rejection from ideas we thought were opportunities and had to deal with the disappointment and even heartbreak that comes from thinking you aren't good enough. Doors never opened and doors were closed. God said "no" to moving us closer to our family (for now) and even to moving at all. We had to meet the monster that is grad school loans and deal with how that will affect us long-term, and I especially had to adjust my hopes and dreams to fit the reality of a mortgage-like loan payment. We had to begin to adjust our thinking and planning to accommodate a little son or daughter who will soon be here.
It has been truly a tough month. And that's part of the reason I haven't been blogging too much. I've been discouraged, and guilty for feeling like the blessings in my life (a baby! a husband who now has a master's degree and amazing possibilities in his future! a new chapter in our lives!) were more like hardships. And I think it's OK to admit that I struggle with all of these things. I am just a person. I can't say I'm at a place where I expected we would be, and I'm constantly wrestling with contentment. My heart aches a little each time I think of fall in the Midwest and cool temperatures and when I'll see my family again. Nonetheless, we have been so blessed to be taken care of in the ways we have.
And now I look to September in hopes that in it will be a new season, both on the calendar and in our hearts. I'm thankful for a husband who will be able to serve his family as a provider and for a Provider who keeps us close even when we doubt and fear the unknown in the plan. I'm thankful I'm not dismissed just because I worry, and I'm hopeful that each step taken into the unknown will teach me how to trust.